No One Asked, 2012 In Review with Bonus Wife Haiku!

It’s time for the obligatory year in review. But I don’t really want to do a trite retrospective on the past year, I would prefer to use the Chinese New Year to mark that occasion and we’ll do a full review then, watch for it in February. If I had to do a review of 2012 now, what would I start with?

First, for all you cowboys fans, let me talk you back from the edge, Romo will be your quarterback for at least another year, you’ve got nothing to worry about – no playoffs in 2013 either, you should be more or less used to it by now.

And speaking of cliffs, falling and failing, government continues to show us why, even in its best form it is only a necessary evil (thank you Thomas Paine) and this government is far from anything you might describe as “best”. Besides accelerating profligate spending mortgaging our future (death note – how did that catch on?) they’ve signed legislation to permit detaining of US citizens without due process in the 2012 NDAA, we've killed US citizens including minors, using robot drones without due process (in Yemen?), disclosed that the soul selling torture program didn’t yield useful intelligence and just extended warrantless wiretapping for another five years, all on the heels of some state police trooper giving 3 citizens a completely unnecessary (punitive) cavity search on a busy roadside.

Terrorism is down, school shootings and murders of children in areas with strict gun controls are up. It’s important to note that though there were seven theatres close to the batman shooter in Colorado, the one he chose was the only one that boasted it was a “gun free” (i.e. defenseless victim) zone. The shooter was smart enough to choose a smaller theatre, further away from his house where he knew there was virtually no chance he would face returning fire.

Yet government still seeks to disarm more of us. Intolerable.

I might own a firearm, I might not. I certainly have in the past. I’ve even sold some of my old guns. If the government wants mine anytime soon...

Though I work for the government, I am by no means its representative or under any obligation to waive my rights as a citizen. Excepting that I cannot run for partisan public office under the “Hatch Act”. No big deal, my life hardly centers on government. If it did I would have had a terrible year indeed!

Fortunately, I’m a Redskins fan. And I’ve been waiting more than ten years to be able to say “fortunately” and “Redskins” in the same sentence. So that’s a great thing, though not the greatest. Some folks are on the radio talking about how this win last night by the Skins over the Boys (28-18) is the happiest day of their lives others are comparing their joy with that of the birth of their children. Quite insane, amusing but also worrisome for the priorities American’s might have now. I could see a fan choosing to go to a game while his wife languishes in labor alone to deliver their first child.

Two parent families are an increasingly rarity these days, and while I suspect some would chose to go to the game, many won’t have to choose or even be aware that their ‘baby-mommas” will deliver until they get a text message from a relative or an invite to Maury.

I am thankful that I didn’t have to choose between the birth and football; all of my kids were born in the off season or early in the season, and none on a Sunday. The final member of the brood, readers know, arrived in April during the lockout negotiations. The completion of my family, now only missing a large dog is one of the greatest developments of 2012.

The only event that rivals the arrival of KB is something that I hope will continue into 2013 and beyond. My lovely editor continues to defy time and space – sorry Einstein. And I don’t pay her enough to invest in miraculous and expensive beauty treatments but she is getting prettier and younger even as I crumble having lost some ½ and inch in height this year. I’m not worried; she was out of my league to begin with, now she’s a trophy wife. I am awed by how she has managed to do it. I suspect it’s something in the ice cream or cookies, maybe the clean country air? I have no idea…something in the water out here in Gettysburg perhaps?

Speaking of my lovely editor, here is her New Year’s Eve Haiku – please to enjoy:

Another year gone

Time to face new adventures

Glad it’s with you, kiss

2012 was so busy for me; I hardly had a chance to blink. I blinked, had a kid, blinked wife got prettier, blinked a couple more times and curiously I shrank. I blinked again and government was misbehaving and the Redskins went from 3-6 to #4 seed in the playoffs as division champs. My warranty on my car expired as I’ve surpassed 36k miles (last week). I didn’t learn a new language, pick up another hobby, make much in the way of new friends, find a new job or finish my novel. I did manage to finish school and my first book; I got a twitter account (blech), opened this joint, I more than doubled charitable contributions (legit charities IRS) and added a new dimension to my career even as I closed the book on the military aspect, retiring from the Navy though the legal battle there over my status will go on into 2013.

2012 was a wonderful year for me and my family. We can look back on a year of getting more comfortable in our newly adopted hometown, in our new home and with our new neighbors. Certainly we are looking forward to next year, I plan to begin martial arts and music instruction for my kids this year though some might say I’m behind the 8ball on the music, timing is about right for kung-fu.

2013 might be crazy folks, be careful out there. The government is hell bent for leather to do who knows what or why (or shut itself down), al-qaeda is still out there, mentally ill shut-ins and angry adolescents have easier access to weapons than you do, including futuristic remote-controlled flying robots with guns (go to you tube search quadrotor and professional Russian) and folks with misguided priorities are shamelessly abandoning their families to see a kids game played by millionaires in bright costumes. Who knows what might happen?!? Keep your head on a swivel, and keep your powder dry, good luck!



Holiday Haiku

It's been a busy holiday season and very tough to write anything not exclusively for my employer.  I've been researching Dragon 12 home edition to see if that's something that might be useful for me and I suspect that yes it is. 

My ongoing dispute with the Navy has moved to a new phase and nearing conclusion for better or worse. It's not a primary concern now. 

What is important is making sure we look out for each other. Not just our family and friends but all of us, our communities at large. Though I was able to increase my donations this year to the Gettysburg Community Soup Kitchen by giving in the summer, when their annual winter solicitation mailer arrived I felt disappointed when I had to check the smallest suggested donation amount this year. I wanted to give more, and worried they'd notice we had reduced our donation not taking into account the check I sent in July. So I wrote a tiny memo on the return form saying "sorry it's not more, we sent out donation in the summer". I hope my silly note defending my insecurity elicits a laugh at least. 

I lost the mailer from the fire department and the SSCS accidentally got a little extra this year for the Southern Ocean Campaign. Adventures in giving...

But taking care of each other isn't just about money for charities. It is about those closest too us too, thankfully they don't usually need money -- well they generally lack the gall to just come out and ask for it though I'm sure they could use it. I have a dear friend who is in dire need this year. I think what he needs most is a laugh now and then. That's the best I can do for him anyway considering the distance separating us. Sometimes there is no substitute for being able to look a pal in the eye and reassure them with your presence, a hand on a shoulder or a jab in the arm punctuating a joke. You can't e-mail that, but this is my attempt. 

Today our office held the annual Morlock basement holiday luncheon. My office partner and Dr. O at my table with the events gracious host decided to talk about Haitian and Guatemalan public sanitation standards and I didn't remain for long after two failed attempts to redirect the conversation to something more appropriate. I reported to my far away crestfallen friend about the event describing how I over ate and I almost wrote a Haiku. I decided I would finish it and gift it to my friend for the holiday - so this one is for you. Sorry if it isn't appropriate for table talk but it reflects the season, the event and the situation I described above rather completely I believe. 

Holiday party

Ate too much fried chicken skin

Nap now, then go poo

Yes it is not a perfect "Haiku" but I'm not Japanese either. You might remember friend when e-mail signatures were still new and sometimes funny, not such an annoyance. I had signed mine with the Emperor's haiku he sent to his government asking for restraint before the Pearl Harbor attack...silly, but good times.


UPDATE: My lovely editor has gotten in the spirit, also thank you Ed for your contribution. Here is the revised version and my editors own Holiday Haiku.

Original revised:

Holiday Party

Too much chicken to eat, nom

Nap then second plate

Editor's Haiku

Christmas time is here

Too many gifts to wrap, boo!

Now i need a drink

Well done sweetie!

Veterans Day

In my family there is a tradition, I take the son out for lunch usually with my other veteran friends but sometimes alone, just me and the boy. This year is so far, removed from so many of my warrior brethren I think it will be just me and the boys, though the new one only eats Gerber baby food and bottled milk he should be there too. We’ll pause to give thanks to the other veterans out there, my father and his generation of veterans, and the boys who may one day be themselves, veterans.

In TO&S I plead with them to avoid service saying that I have studied war so that they may study philosophy but I’m also aware of the allure that military adventure has held for young men throughout time. If the boys both choose not to serve in uniform, that’s all the more reason for them to pause and thank the veterans in their lives. I hope to instill a tradition of stopping to give thanks while letting others scramble for deep discounts on mattresses or cars or whatever.  

Thank you Applebee’s, more often than not this traditional luncheon is mostly free, I pay for a drink or two and my son’s meal but I eat free.

Most importantly though thanks to those who are still standing the watch, flying into harm’s way, standing on the wall, or imperiled on the sea and to those who have done so in the past. God Bless you and yours.

It's nice that this holiday comes on the heels of a national election, regardless of the outcome and how one might feel about it the process we just endured over the silly season with all its desperate rhetoric and jockeying is proof of our enduring republic's health. Yes, some argue we're in decline others point to a new horizon - we're America and it matters not who is president, we're all bigger than that. We're safe from any boogie man one side may paint the other side's candidate to be. Why?

One word - Veterans.

All of them.

Their courageous example allows us to engage in the sometimes raucous tradition of elections. Without them we could ill afford to stop all national affairs for eighteen months and fight amongst ourselves, there are very real wolves at the door and only our apolitical Marines, Navy, Army and Air Force (okay you too Coast Guard) keep them at bay so we can indulge in our democracy. 

Our process is a privilege, a birthright won anew each generation by our veterans.

So while I would prefer the boys to avoid service, I would be no less proud of them if they heeded the call that I have answered for nearly two decades.

A special thank you is due also to my former commanders and mentors who over the years have helped me survive their command, but also to thrive as a soldier and man. BG Wolfman, SFC Nick, MSgt Pickles, The Genie - thank you. And to my peers and subordinate who have survived my leadership in uniform - Alvie, Clarkie, the Brick Flight and so many others - thank you for putting up with me in service to our great country and its traditions.

As a side note I've been honored to have been asked to speak at the NIST Veteran's Day Observance. I'll be giving an invited talk "One Veteran's Story". If you would like to attend on the 14th let me know I'll register you with the visitor center security control point.

Despite this news, I will still refuse to eat Tilapia.

Sadly, there is no easy path to agreement on protection of these all too exhaustable resources. I'm not a greenie but the importance of the sea in planetary health briefly touched on in TO&S makes it worth the effort.

Science Daily Piece: Deep-sea fish in deep trouble

Species to avoid?

Orange Roughy for starters...any sharks and many other species.

Farm raised (probably more) sustainable species, though not without problems of their own, should be selected when possible though I reserve the right to frown at anyone who offers me Tilapia which I know by a less flattering name.

If you insist on presenting me with tilapia, be sure it's in a heady sauce like a spicy curry or some such thing. Chunked with gold or new world potatoes and some shrimp or carrots. Preferably served with a abbey style ale or a porter.

Mahalo

Friday Film Fun

Tis nice to have a little fun on Friday. In the basement we watch movies. PG stuff so that guests aren't offended or frightened away. In our lobby here in the basement. I starting doing that about a month or six weeks ago. Makes the day go much quicker. You see the government doesn't work on Fridays.

We have alternate work schedules, and so a significant portion of the work force is off every other Friday and Monday. On the other Monday or Friday a lot of folks burn a leave day (and some how never run out of them) or telework - which means they've gone fishing.

Congress doesn't even bother pretending to work 5 days a week, they only work Tues-Thurs. I wish I had a three day work week, seems that would be the right balance. I can do as much as I do in 5 days in 3 or 2 really since there is significant down time - spent awaiting replies from folks who don't work everyday like I do.

Friday's are quiet here in the basement so movies were the perfect thing. We can't all agree on music here or which news radio station to stream on the computers, so movies and film which I talk about a bit in TO&S that are family friendly-ish, we all agree on. Today we got a little crazy and watched the ultra violent Independence Day special edition and Jurassic Park III which features a kid in more peril than in the previous two, the tween/pre-teen is nearly eaten at one point - it's quite terrible but thankfully he gets out alive faring better than half the humans in the cast.

ID is harmless fun, violent explosions but otherwise ridiculous. The aliens aren't terribly interesting and the jokes aren't great but even bad movies are fun and can bring the team together for a laugh or two. Next is Over the Hedge, without a doubt, Bruce Willis's best work. Then I go home to give gramma her gifts for watching the monsters so the wife and I can go out, she deserves and I've tried to keep at least one day a week - usually Friday, kitchen cooking and clean up free at night. We can't always go out anymore like we could before inflation destroyed our financial picture but tonight we're gonna try.

Last night we took the little ones out to Wells Family Bakery which is excellent (try the cheese cake) for their fun night out this week. The bakery is keeping later hours now, just so locals can have another desert option - Merican's need more desert options and the wife and I might pop in there tonight for some hot apple cider after we try the (questionable) sushi selection at the place she wants to try but has mixed reviews and so will go unnamed here.

But the Bakery is awesome - go there, just a few doors down if you're in town is the best pub too the Gary Owen, the benburburger (the lamb one) is awesome and they make their chips in house too. great beers on tap and a strong bottle selection. Just don't take my table please. Thank you I don't get to take the wife out much and I'd hate to find a 45 minute wait again when we only have the sitter for 2 hours.

Christmas Shopping

This is going to be tough this year. I haven't monetized this blog and most of my traffic is my sister and some folks in Russia. If you Russian guys are tuning in today I'd like one of those "Professional Russian" hoodies with the backwards 'R' that guy is always wearing when he blows stuff up on youtube. He's funny, and yes I'm sure he's not at the peak of his popularity but his kind of mildly subversive fun is timelessly and harmlessly funny. Except to the items he destroys and perhaps some of his friends who may or may not be missing fingers.

Yes it's not even Halloween yet, but after that favorite holiday everything moves really quickly with 2 birthdays and thanksgiving which I've you know my love of turkey and gravy, you understand the planning and work that goes into making that right.

And friends are important (more so than bacon or gravy but about equal to the two combined). Their importance of course is inversely proportional to the number of friends you have. I have very few and like heroes they're wonderfully imperfect people, like me they're a little bit different but they're all family men, and men of Honor and all very hard to shop for!

My lovely wife is hard to shop for too, she doesn't think so I'd imagine but she is. It's not because she's high maintenance or has expensive taste, not at all nor is she a demanding bully or anything like that. She's happy with attention and time spent away from the daily grind of diapers and schlepping kids to the day care, grocery store and grasshopper (Panda's word for gas station). And of course with my wonderful gift for gifting I've set the bar too high too early in the relationship in my all out hell bent for leather bid to woo her.

Mission accomplished.

Still friends are hard to find gifts for. Especially when they're all cast far and wide across the world. I wish I knew how Vinny was doing with his exotic aggressive cancer diagnosis. I'd sure like to see him again, and the rest of the Brick Flight too. Good buncha troopers. I got friends nearby I get to see some time or at least talk to regularly I'd sure like to see them away from the daily grind maybe with the wives too so we can all have a laugh and buy those guys a beer.

The First Class Mess break up was most unfortunate. We couldn't talk Kris out of separating. I can't blame him for not re-enlisting under the circumstances he felt his time was wasted there though I hope he didn't mean with the Mess. I talked to Jeff the other day we talked about catching the NY / WAS game when the G-men come to town. It probably won't happen FedEx field isn't a cheap ticket but I'd like to do that and call that a Xmas gift for all in attendance.

That would be great for some of us but some friends, like Vinny have serious problems and are in a dark place. A football game or a pint isn't going to be enough to lift them, and they could probably use a bit more help with whatever troubles them. For my part I'd like to help but I find myself awkwardly unable to find simple words of comfort even. One of my friends is having the classic marital problems for example, he tells me that its tough for him and though I've been through similar but simpler problems I can't find any thing more to say than "I'm here if you need me" I hope that friend knows I mean it, he was there for me when I needed him and I owe him nothing less.

Those are the kind of bonds you can only form under fire, be it from the enemy or an angry Colonel who wants this or that metric, spreadsheet or report you don't have ready access to. Sometimes I tell folks I've never been prouder of what I did in the Army, but I think it's less what I did than who I was with that I'm proud of. Those great friendships the 28th Infantry, USS Enterprise and 1st Class Mess I realize are what kept me going back despite all of the personal challenges, disappointments and sacrifices required to be a part of that. Yes, I've read and heard all of the stories of veterans saying precisely this and didn't always understand it. Seems I'm a very slow learner. Thanks guys, while I no longer stands the watch this year I might only be able to gift you my gratitude and a salute.

And to you professional russians, nothing to see here everything is just fine. Yes I saw recently in Pravda that you guys have put long range missiles back into Cuba right under our noses - how rascally! But Pravda is only marginally more credible than the Onion, though Iran hasn't got that memo, please inform them when you send them your annual christmas letter and box of hickory farms.

Happy Halloween Folks!

Sigrunn's Saga III

Before the sun rose she halted, relieved the bleeding had stopped. She rubbed some dirt and spit together in her gloved hands to make fresh mud to cover the wound.  She avoided contact with any one she saw from the scrub as she headed north towards the mountain. The next afternoon she noticed a man was following her, he looked like one of her people and she suspected he was tracking her for the Jarl who surely wanted her as dead as she wished him to be. She did her best to avoid him but he was quickly overtaking her. He seemed to know where she was going and so she decided to make a stand.

She set a trap to injure him and laid in ambush. Soon he was close and she recognized him as the hunter Harard. Though she was over six feet tall, he was more than twice her bulk, heavily muscled and unarmored able to move quickly. She didn’t know where the quiet Harard’s allegiance was; with the Jarl and the new god or with her and the old way. She thought she could beat him as he had no shield or mail but worried who else would be sent and she coulnd't help but feel slighted to learn only one tracker had been sent to bring her down.

For his part Harard had no trouble tracking the heavily encumbered, wounded and fatigued princess, unaccustomed to long marches in the wilderness. She had taken pains to avoid detection meaning she had to take still more time moving through concealment blazing her own trail. This left an obvious path for any hunter could follow from more easily traveled ground. He had spotted her ambush from beyond bow shot but could not see her. He guessed where she was hiding and headed for the trap to lure her out. He reached the snare and called out “princess I am Harard, I come as an ally, show yourself!”

She readied her axe “go home while you still can hunter tell the Jarl I’ll be back for him in my own time.”

“Princess I serve you and Vatun. After you cut down the missionary the Jarl sent a party out to kill you but they ran into the dwarfs seeking the one who had killed two of their own near our village.”

She gave a look around to see if he had others with him. “Where is your hunting party Harard? Your sons?”

“I am alone but they are coming if the dwarfs did not clash with the Jarl's men, they’ll be following you too, following me and I have no sons.”

“Why are you here then?” she quizzed him.

“The dream, the wooden castle was a prison. The witch a servant of his foes - a warden! You saw his prison; I was with you trapped there too. I quit the hunting party when I had the dream, there are others in the village who would rally to your banner and kill the heretic Cuthbert men and make slaves of the dwarves.”

Sigrunn’s belly rumbled hungrily “You seek then to join me? To answer his call if that’s what this vision is?”

“Yes, if you seek to steal into his prison to free him I swear my life is yours to command, my steel shall not fail you!”

Arrogantly she asserted her rank “you seek only to enter my bed, and you will not no matter how cold the night! And we shall see how true your brave words are soon I sense…”

Harard sensing their shouted conversation has attracted attention steps closer to her hiding place, sidestepping the snare prompting her to show herself “Princess, you are beautiful and I will live to see you eat your words on both counts.” He raises his yew bow and notches an arrow turning away from her shifting his attention and aim towards something approaching. She looks past him squinting to see what approaches from out of the sun – it’s a pair of the Jarl's men. They hurl a spear over her head as a sacrifice to the god and advance drawing their heavy broad swords from their sides, one of the warriors speaks “good job Harard, now step aside.”

“I’m not done with her yet you’ll have to wait for your turn.”

Sigrunn wastes no time on talk she leaps to the attack finding her strength suddenly renewed she lands to the side of her foe, swinging wildly feigning incompetence and madness, bait the warrior takes. He lazily steps aside to strike her down, his foot falling into her snare and he howls as he hears his ankle snap, pierced by the spikes placed inside the concealed knee deep hole. He drops to his side dropping his blade as Harard draws fires point blank into the other man’s eye. The arrows haft punches out the back of his skull, knocking the helmet from his head. He falls in a crumpled heap. The screams of the wounded man becomes a pleading for mercy as Sigrunn kicks his sword away and knocks his helmet off with her axe. Raising her weapon over her head she turns to Harard “how many more?”

“There were eight of us princess” Harard answers sullenly – suddenly consumed with sorrow for the loss of the men – friends of his until now. 

The wounded man cries out “the others are with the dwarfs, as prisoners – they might be killed if we do bring you to them in three days’ time!”

 “Then they will die, traitors to god as shall you…”

“NO!” he cries his last as she brings her axe down across his throat cutting deeply into his chest. He falls over sideways, his head dangling backwards, partly severed from his body propped up by his armor, shield and her trap holding his broken leg in place.

Sigrunn warns Harard to “take their mail, if more come we’ll need it. Leave their bodies for the crows they deserve no peace in the other world. They die cowards without a name, forget them” she hacks away the dead men’s faces with quick strokes of her axe and helps Harard to strip them. Once their work is done Harard asks “why are we heading to the mountain princess, what do we seek there?”

“God knows, I do not. Before we go, do you have any food?”

He pulls a wrapped cake from his pack saying “the dead man’s wife made these for us” as he hands it to her.

Sigrunn unwrapped the tiny soft cake and stuffed it whole into her mouth, her eyes lit up happily “mmm…” she chewed and swallowed it and without a hint of remorse then declared “that’s good cake” tucking her axe away in its sheath. The pair started into a jog and made their camp with a mixed group of miners; men and dwarves that night. They had no knowledge of Sigrunn’s outlaw status and welcomed the pair. Though Sigrunn was uncomfortable with the dwarves she supped with them and the men who she thought smelled slightly less offensively.

Unable to eat the last cake, Harard trades it for wine at the miner’s camp. He gave that to the princess when he had his fill and she greedily chugged it, thanking him but reminding him again of his place saying “not tonight hunter, not so easily."

Sigrunn's Saga II

She moves quickly back behind the ridge line and off the trail to avoid further confrontation. Sigrunn moves with deliberate speed across the rough sloping ground until dusk. She stops to rest at a creek, not knowing the source she chances a drink then scouts out a hide where she can rest for the night. She makes a fire and prays for guidance and with her belly empty she drifts off to sleep beside smoldering embers under a starlit sky.

She dreams of a great wooden castle full of riches and dwarfs and a horrible fat witch with arms that reach four fathoms, ending in heavy square hands with fingers thick and hard as ram ’s horns. The witch chases her about the castle and Sigrunn struggled to escape with a companion whose face she could not see, a man she did not know.

Chains would appear from the darkness at the witches command and snake toward Sigrunn and her friend trying to ensnare them. The witch spat curses at Sigrunn and threatened to "devour her living guts as she watched her die". She could not deter the witch with any brave call or command, and desperate from fatigue she invoked the gods’ names and the witch though bothered continued to hound her. Sigrunn felt a thick chain catch her by her neck and awoke abruptly.

Cricket song filled the warm summer night’s air. Bats soared above silhouetted by the moons soft glow. She sat up and noticed she was bleeding again; the wound, just under her jaw was bleeding scratched open again in her disturbed sleep. She stood thinking it near enough to dawn to get moving again. She lit a torch and put her hand against the wound to staunch the flow. She hung her shield over opposite shoulder which caused her right arm to tire as she trudged on.

Sigrunn's Saga

Okay so enough pontificating on celebretards, philosophy or the Navy and Gov't, those guys all get beat up a lot it's hard working in government and the celebretards don't care about negative press. Today I start a new thread, a short story that cuts across a collaborative fiction piece about a barbarian settler and her experiences in this strange land ruled by creatures abhorrent to her, not the least of which is a wizard she is related to by marriage.

Almost sounds like a really bad sitcom. It's something I've been playing with putting together with Alvie there in Pottsville he's busy with soccer coaching or something now so I haven't heard much from him lately but he chimes in when he sees a piece of the Sigrunn story to say how much he's enjoying it. To be fair he is very much to blame for Sigrunn. She cuts across his greyhawk campaign which occurs in the patriots of Ulek time frame CY 570 plus I believe. When we begin Sigrunn has abandoned the settlement at Norn Redding Kragg after a falling out with her uncle the Jarl Har Vor.

***

Sigrunn stained her blond braids red and black with gore as she pulled them away from her face. She let out a triumphant grunt as she freed her axe, one-handed, from the dead priest’s spine. She raised it chest high, just enough so its weight would carry it through his neck. Satisfied she knelt beside the headless corpse and claimed her trophy, wiping her iron blade clean on his frock before returning it to its sheath. She drew a long knife from its hiding place and cut the young man’s scalp away and shook his brain loose into the fine dust of the ancient road. She tied the trophy to a string of others thinking that it will make a fine bowl and she looked forward to drinking her favorite wine from it. She put the knife away and stood, picking up the priests book thinking the leaves would come in handy for cleaning herself and her kit on the way to her destination.

She stopped to kick the dead fool's brain away then strode across the road to recover her helmet. She stepped over the other cleaved men lying motionless face down in the dirt. She didn’t bother to take their unworthy scalps. They had run when she launched herself upon them - only the youngest had the courage to stand against her. When she bent over to recover her helmet she noticed the ox hide strap had been cut away in the fighting. She tugged her gauntlet off and checked her throat and chin, finding her own blood she checked again. “It’s not serious” she thought tying the helmet to her belt and continued down the road to the next village.

Cresting a hill she spotted the first village beneath a dead and ruined castle atop a hillock on the far side of the settlement. “Dwamud” she hatefully spat. She despised the greedy filthy dwarfs who lived under the mountains, especially the weak and soft lot that inhabited this new shore. She spotted a pair making their way up the road toward her singing gaily and she thought briefly of challenging them but then decided to try to speak to them first.

She did her best to look friendly, raising a hand to hail them and they returned her greeting warmly. A few frustrating moments later Sigrunn was finding it impossible to be understood by the little sods and she was beginning to become angry at their rude leering and gesturing. She pushed them aside and bid them farewell. The dwarfs followed her and became louder and more animated so she pulled her axe from its sheath and cut them low leaving them writhing in agony, bleeding to death on the hill road. She decided to bypass the dwarf settlement and continued on her way north towards the mountains that called to her since coming to this shore a season ago.

***

Sigrunn is an angry creature out for blood maybe we should do a kids story...

Well there's your problem...

Dear Greece,

First, thank you for the whole cradle of democracy and such that's pretty awesome, also I've enjoyed molon labe and your amusing mythology. I especially loved touring the ruins on Rhodos / Rhodes and dodging young tuffs out to make a name for themselves by beating up US Sailors visiting the redlight district. Thanks to those poor boys for the night in the brig too, I learned a lot in there like the fact that spiders somehow do find their way onto ships. Imagine that!

Now, what have you been doing since you gave birth to western civilization? I can't help but notice lately the remnants of the Hellenic League have been having some financial problems. I think I might have found a significant contributing factor here. (thank you la times).

A coca-cola bottling operation is your biggest business? Well it was rather since it's now leaving. What happened Greece? You used to be really cool. Coke was an American company, i don't know if you can call it that now it's a multi-national or international conglomerate or something but how did awesome Greece become so inhospitable to businesses worth a paltry $7.6 billion? You know our military spends that in like what 3.4 days right? That's just for TP, hammers and phylacteries.

I want to help out, I really do so here are some ideas. First - invent a new holiday. Make it a big one like Octoberfest, maybe a week long or a whole fortnight.

Invite EVERYONE (except Albania noone likes them).

Give away lots of goodies like beads and T-shirts, New Orleans probably has a lot of beads they don't need since tourism there probably stil hasn't recovered. Maybe you can get Superbowl loser t-shirts from the NFL and give them away?

Hide the Uzo and the really good drugs too - you gotta keep that stuff under control folks there get a bit outta hand sometimes.

Have a contest, you guys are jam packed with islands suitable for habitation and really small and near the others that you could let someone buy a raffle ticket for - maybe a $1 raffle ticket OR let the guy who comes up with the best idea win the island and have HGTV build a super mansion on it. Surely a few construction jobs couldn't hurt right?

Speaking of construction - you guys need to build something new. I know you're surrounded by ruins and sacred temples to every small towns god you don't dare desecrate but really - just pave over that stuff already no body cares! You guys don't even care, the ruins are in such decrepit conditions - the rubble is burning down.

Keep the hot gates, people still want to visit that strand but improve the spa there host a bit costume party or battle re-enactment. In my town (gettysburg pa) we have industrialized the re-enactment scene our economy more or less thrives and at least hums along on a 150 year old battle. You guys can top that you had a much bigger one more than a millenia ago - get that out there.

You want some more help? I'm here for you just make sure I get one of those raffle tickets and tell HGTV I want a lot of unobstructed vies in that island villa.

Staycation

So I'm getting better at navigating the calendar.

Usually at work I'm out maneuvered by everyone taking or scheduling leave so I'm stuck working over the X-mas to New Years break for example, but not this time. I found what I suspect is a little used weekend prior to the Columbus Day holiday.

I could care less about Columbus, a Portugese navigator who discovered an already inhabited place other Europeans had been visiting for some time, and who didn't prove the earth was round (this was known for sometime prior to him) but a day off is a day off so I'm not complaining either.

Yes I had a three day weekend. Wait there's more - I teleworked on Thursday and burnt one leave day for Friday give me a five day holiday to...well in another day and age I might have spent two or three grand on an adventure but money is tight. And though I wrote in TO&S that we have more than we need, under the current economic pressures facing all of us today (gas $4 a gallon or $500 a month for my commute) we have just enough.

So what to do with no disposable cash and a ton of free time? Play with the kids! They were probably sick of me by the time I went back to work today. I know my wife had to be happy to see me go back to the office. Gramma showed up too so she could offer the kids a change of pace and hopefully recharge sanity in the house crazy meter which goes on the fritz when I'm home for 72 hours or more.

I had a nice Columbus day staycation. Why not? I think I'll celebrate that one every year with some telework/leave schedule design to maximize the cheap fun. I think its fitting in the event someone wants to commemorate the day by discovering my living room or backyard the way Columbus did that of the native people of North America. I'll greet them unintelligbly and tell them to go back from whence they came.

There is a silly monument to Columbus in Philly. I miss trips to that city, though it's a deteriorating murder hole, there are some bright spots I enjoyed with my wife there but a trip with the little critters would be too complex logistically. Panda would also make it impossible with her night time insanity - she likes to play with EVERYTHING in hotel rooms and refuses to sleep until those Wild Kingdom people fly overhead and use the tranq gun on her and tag her for future study. Can't take her overnight anywhere, so we saved the money and managed to go to a consignment store somewhere past 1968 and past the big bad wolf's house. I thought I was driving into a Wrong Turn sequel getting there but we survived and found some good clothes for the littlest one.

We won't be calling him that for long, at 5 months he is moving into the same weight class (diaper wise) as the Panda. He could overtake the other two in a few months. I prefer carrying Panda to him since he's all dead weight and at least the Panda can hang on. Though she fidgets a bunch and the little guy is still and snuggly...so it's a toss up. He's better company for a nap.

Stopped at the Five Guys and indulged in free peanuts, water, small burgers, a hot dog and a grilled cheese sammy. If I made that at home would have been maybe $7. At five guys $22. It's pretty insane, but it was soo good. It works out though since no one was really hungry at dinner and we ate campbells soup for $0.23 a serving. It was cold so soup is good. That was Monday night before catching the 3rd quarter of MNF laying in bed next to her drifting off.

Great staycation.  Didn't want to come back to work today.

I would be just as or more productive teleworking but I don't do that again until next week. I have a stack of stuff I can do then but I'll just do now. Time to go fight traffic. I'll be looking for a bottle of Ethos in the mail from my old favorite place to work. Thanks mom.

Blueprint: Revolution (the stop it post).

The other day I read about a handful of disgruntled amateur military men, a couple of EMs and a JNCO planning some sort of half-arsed attack on Fort Sumter or some other small unit action that might spark off a revolution. These idiots were down south someplace, MS or GA I believe, maybe AL, it matters not. These four fellows were so well qualified to lead such a revolution that they had to murder civilians close to them, a girlfriend or something, to keep anyone else from learning about it. So their grand design amounted to a murder and a conspiracy to cover up something impossible.

This got me thinking. I've been chewing on this continually and today I'm going to announce as a public service to everyone - a warning to any others who are angry with the gov't or Washington or whatever a summary of the blueprint you should be following to create positive change that apparently the public schools have failed to communicate to you.

But first if you're planning some kind of violence to make your point or change the gov't:

Step 1: STOP IT! Visit a museum like the Gettysburg National Military Park and spend a few hours learning about what war on our soil was really like. It wasn't glamorous or pretty or fun or easy.

You are a moron if you think you're going to take a bag full of guns and ammo and take over the government or conquer any territory by force with your midnight rugby team. You gonna run out of red bull and testosterone at some point and need to surrender just to get pizza delivered okay? It will not end well.

Step 2: get a civics 101 course under your belt, know what the heck you're actually angry about. Then with a basic understanding of gov't you'll know that you pretty much need an MBA or JD to do anything in gov't. Study for LSAT, go to grad school then

Step 3: get involved in a political party at the local level. It doesn't matter which one they're all garbage, don't surrender your ability to reason to them but use their organization, their brand and trusted label. Or join and work for a not-for profit that suits your ideology and work through the non-government channels all the while

Step 4: be open to learning that you might not know everything and much of your anger could be misdirected. A lot of frustration and anger is caused by ignorance and unrealistic expectations. Politics and argument, debate, voting and compromise is how we play king of the hill in this country. We are not Pakistan, Libya or Egypt! We don't burn each others stuff down or kill each other over domestic policy items.

Step 5: once you start to figure out that a large part of the problem is everyone and so you just can't have enough ammo to be the dictator of everything go get a drink and laugh with some buddies. Relax.

Step 6: you are now on your way to being the change you want to see in the world. Don't forget to treat people with respect.

Step 7: if for some reason you are convinced that you have to actually resort to violence, you need a territory to sanction it in the international relations arena - something like a three state area at least, three would work if you have Texas as one of them it has resources, an international border, room to breathe and a coast for trade. You can't do this with Kansas, Kentucky and South Dakota. Not enough people. No way to reach allies, France helped us in the first American revolution after all.

Step 8: you have to have a chunk of the Army behind you, the real professional military - guys with keys to nuclear submarines and the like who can keep opportunistic powers from interfering to take advantage of your tiny axis of stupid.

Step 9: assuming you've survived to this point you might realise that we have revolutions all the time, every few years as the nations political milieu turns over under new regimes. The pace isn't steady and it isn't always obvious as its happening but you'll have lots of time to consider it from your prison cell since it's not likely a tiny revolution that might occur in the future would be something the Feds would tolerate, you won't be as lucky as the CSA leaders and forces who received pardons for the most part. You'll probably face execution, and fleeing to take up residence in a non-extradition country isn't a realistic possibility.

Step 10: back to the beginning STOP IT! Talk, reason and build on the work of those civilizing forces who have gone before you and sacrificed much. Resorting to violence to achieve your domestic aims is to erase the sacrifice and insult all who had suffered to heal this nation after the first civil war. If you don't like whats happening out there, get your butt off that couch and get involved trying to make it a better place for everyone, not just you and those who agree with you - who the hell are you to tell the rest of us how to live?

P.S. don't worry when I'm king, it'll be different ha!

Dear Karma, it's awful crazy out there!

I'm not going to get dragged into it all I have a party, well a picnic this weekend to get ready for. This and maintenance, landscaping repairs and the future repairs and modifications needed to the house are quietly but quickly overwhelming me with my 3 hours of commuting everyday. Little time to contemplate such matters as shooting massacres and Mitt Romney's Veep choice, foreign policy or any other such thing.

Last weekend the dryer died, it would heat up but not spin so it had become a large clothes toaster. I should have filled the brownie tray with waffle batter and jammed it in there to see how long it took to make a giant waffle brownie. I could put ice cream on it - after I heaped on bacon and melted chocolate or nutella or chocolate syrup. Yes it would have been epic. I had thought about putting the busted dryer/toaster in the garage just for this purpose but out of mercy for my wife I allowed the Lowe's guys to take it away. Her disbelief and shock at my ridiculous culinary plan might have forced her face into a contortion she might never recover from and that would be a shame since I was lucky enough to marry a very beautiful woman.

The washing machine didn't die, nor could I quickly hatch a plot to invent some Dr. Franken-purpose for the thing so it too was removed, like tail-lights I figured the two machines of matching vintage would fail at near the same time. Of course this kind of decision is rather expensive so I'm out a cool grand. I can't even tell you how much I've poured into the pool which, as we approach the final month of the pool season, isn't yet working quite right. The filter has some warping and cracking and the warranty company and their contractor have yet to admit it's time to just put in a new one.

The first repair man last year had told them as much and they fired him for it. They switched to this other contractor who told them what they wanted to hear and so we're stuck with him attempting multiple incremental fixes while neglecting the big picture. Now, the cost of multiple trips across state lines to effect many repairs which in hopes of avoiding an inevitable replacement of the whole means the cost to the warranty company is near double original estimates.

I wonder if the contractor and the warranty company "decider" worked in government?

Has anyone seen Bush 43 lately?

I didn't want to lose two weekends to Lowe's trips.  I bit the bullet and bought the total system replacement, you don't want to be in a home with three preschoolers and no functioning laundry machines, but the government it seems and so many others seem to favor short term, myopic solutions afraid to see the bigger problem looming just beyond their attention spans. I might have gotten upset about this in the past, now I just shrug my shoulders. I was going to spend the money on another project anyway so I just postpone that project and move on. I was happy to be able to plunk down the coin when so many go without the means to do so.

I see poverty is on the rise, to highest levels since the 50s or something, and true inflation somewhere in the 5-6% range means the economy has been in a negative growth (a decline) since 2005ish and some other stuff over at shadowstats which is a neat site for folks who like numbers and charts...I don't so no link here.

I avoid charts like the plague. I put one in a recent presentation I did as a decoy slide for people to have a laugh and to focus their attention on what I am saying and what the handout says not the screen in front of them. I hate powerpoint. I had contemplated just putting up vacation photos and pictures of my kids set to auto play while I lectured.

That will be a good way to do my final presentation once I'm able to give notice here at DOC. Seems they might be looking for more staff reductions soon anyway and with the very reduced threat of real terrorism I'm becoming less important and harder to justify I suspect.

So even though I had the cash to spend it stung a little. I told myself - self, shut up. The new machines will last long enough that you should only have to do this one more time your whole life. That helped. Still it stung and with inflation and my commute devouring my buying power I'm starting to worry.

And I know the kids expenses are about to explode as the middle child (Panda) gets ready for preschool/day care and what that costs. Still I wasn't that worried, not yet - I got a royalty check, then another for the kindle edition. I was thrilled to see they (amazon/createspace)  had lowered the threshold required before they'd pay out since it wasn't much. I didn't want the money so for the sake of Karma I donated both checks to the local soup kitchen with 200% matching funds out of my own pocket. If Karma wants to know what to get me for Christmas - I'd like my foundation to not shift anymore because my doors are all getting tight and if it shifts anymore I might not be able to get in or out of the house anymore. Anyway I hope it helps someone who might be having problems worse than mine.

So back to what matters most.

I finally got the pool open and working. Sort of. Yes there is the matter of a leaky pump/filter set up due to the changes in manufacturing standards for pumps since the original was installed some twenty years ago. I'll wager the new pump lasts only a fraction of that time despite its cost. But the delays on the part of the warranty company mean little, our new pool robot shark cleaning machine has arrived and that is exciting! Yes my oldest boy asked his mother "does the robot shark have a face?"

"No" she said "but you can paint one on with your dad if you like." Of course he's esctatic about this activity. I was thinking we could make it look like an old thunderbolt or the bow of the M/V Bob Barker.

But not today. Today like all of America we're preparing for the 4th of July holiday. Threat of a possible severe storm arriving at our celebration location will not deter us unless it knocks the hotel down before we leave our house (and we learn of this) but I suspect we'll be keeping our reservation.

You know what I can't believe is how much preparation goes into 15 minutes or 20 minutes of pool time for the kids. I've gone into battle with less preparation and a lighter load out and I only took them to the back yard! The oldest is afraid to come off the steps so he might as well play in a plastic 6" deep pool in the front yard. The Panda likes to jump in but only if I'm holding her hands as she does so and as soon as she hits the water the first words out of her mouth are "done!" What do you do with that?

Garden Daisy. That's what I did. I went to wally world and bought this plastic spinning daisy lawn monster that hooks to the hose and irritates the Sierra Club for how much water it wastes. The kids stood there squealing and making funny faces at it for as long as they had played in the pool. The sun is less intense in the front of the house and they're in no danger of drowning from the daisy so I might just get another one and a hose splitter so they can have a spinning clown faced chinese plastic daisy gauntlet to run through with minimal supervision. I considered that playing in the fresh water that toy sprayed all over the yard as a shower for them after the pool swim time so its good practical fun. My wife still made me give the kids a real shower after wards but I know it crossed her mind to let the hose down in the front yard count as a shower.

I guess I had to take them inside to brush their teeth before bed anyway.

But my secret fears that one of the kids would drown as I did as a toddler are evaporating in this heat wave. I never mentioned my secret fear because I think I knew it was irrational and maybe projecting my own fears owing to a childhood with an unusual (for Americans) death toll or near death experiences.

Please be careful out there though folks, July 4th is the most dangerous holiday so please don't become a Darwin Award and I'll see you next week.

Mother's Day and the Three Bears

My wife apologized for me missing my graduation, as I often do I asked what kind of monster am I? Why did she do that? I had not expressed discontent or anger had I? She was genuinely contrite but without reason, no one had done anything wrong. The source of her remorse was the occasion of my graduation. Years in the works, we were very excited to celebrate with a small cheesecake and a modest dinner at a recently redone local eatery.

We had originally planned to road trip in a rented RV to Hays for the commencement and hooding ceremony taking our time in a Griswald-esque adventure. We had even planned a route to ensure we would see at least half the giant rubber-band balls or other museums of anomalies along the way. As he is prone to do, God intervened again.

K.B. appeared on the scene with a due date that mysteriously coincided with commencement. He would only be a few days old and so there was no way to be able to make the trip. Nor was I willing to make the trip alone and who would care to do such a thing? I may have made a bigger deal of it than I should have, budgeting $1,800 to make the trip and lamenting my failure to attend my undergraduate commencement and failure to graduate from high school all together. I had not planned to seek a Doctorate and so this was to be my last chance to actually participate in a graduation.

The school sent the hood and gown in the mail so I put it on and we took some pictures in the backyard so the neighbors, two of whom are professors, would not snicker at the spectacle. Somehow I thought I might be too embarrassed to seek to join their circle of professors at Gettysburg University if they witnessed our quaint commencement ceremony plan B in our yard.

Fortunately they don’t follow this blog so I’ll post the hilarious result here once I download them. I told my dear wife not to worry, and told her not to let mother’s day be hijacked by my ridiculous desire to commemorate an insignificant personal achievement. It was a great mother’s day weekend, she enjoyed her gifts, thoughtfully chosen of course, and I was sure that all the activities with the family for both Saturday and Sunday were new things we had not done before. The best part was the hunt for the three bear’s house.

Lately I’ve worked the Goldilocks and the three bears into the night time reading regime for the tots. Our daughter Panda is especially fond of the three bears.  So on Sunday we went on a picnic in the forest. The great thing about living in a national park boundary is there are great places to do this all around you. We stopped in town for cold cut sandwiches at the Devil’s Den Deli and in no time at all were at a favorite south battlefield picnic ground. Being a good dad who loves setting up a gag, I had scouted the location and knew that only a few dozen yards away from the picnic site was a small house that looked like the three bears place in our book.

It was actually a rest stop along a quiet back road of the park.

After we enjoyed a leisurely lunch I told the kids I had a surprise for them; we were going to see if the three bears were home. I can’t remember the last time their eyes lit up like that. My wife didn’t think much of it until she saw the house at the end of a small trail. She looked at me with her jaw open in surprise. The kids practically fell over when they saw it too stunned to talk as they stared at what I assured them was the three bear’s house. We coaxed them up to the small building, the children were careful to approach in silent reverence so as not to disturb the bears if they were home. We washed up and I loudly complained that it the bears weren’t home and we’d have to look for them again. My wife asked me “did you know that was there?”

Of course I did.

That was the best mother’s day yet. The trick is now the kids want to go look for the bears again. What will they do if we find a bear?

Thar be dragons

Our third child, a son (K. B. Chandler) has arrived on time and in good health. He is a Dragon and we are thrilled to welcome the last of our brood into the world. It seems that until now he was missing, so his arrival is akin to a homecoming for our long lost celestial wanderer. 

And so volume III begins to take shape behind the second. The Ox and Scorpio volume three; the rearing of dragons, will not be completed for some time as the little fellow has a long way to go.

This final volume in the series will focus on the challenges of educating and managing a sandwich generation household. With several young children and aging elders coming to rely on help from my wife and I. The text will explore strategies for engaging the elders in life enhancing (vice abusive or exploitative) ways to the benefit of our dragon and his siblings.

This will be the most collaborative work in the series as it will include input from our eldest who has eagerly leapt to the fore in shepherding the expanding brood.We are so impressed with the eldest son’s performance. We struggle with creative ways to reward and reinforce the behavior and with how to restrain his enthusiasm so he doesn't take on too much too soon. Any suggestions are appreciated.

- Chandler out

I forgot my glasses

My horoscope said something about a leap of faith today; I drove to work without my glasses. I'll keep today's post short it's a tiny thought rattling around that wants out.

The is an idle beauty

To a ship at sea

Promise of new days in places far away

From worries of today of small wages and strangers

She is a shelter from shame

From wars and taxes, cars and crimes

Narrow roads that bend and bind

Freedom is a tall ship on the sea

-Chandler

Greetings

So I have no idea what I'm doing but I'm having a lot of fun doing it...
I've been slow to embrace technology and to become tied into the html digital world.
I've been a doubter of the value of any technological revolution.
I've decried the information age and post capitolist society as whimsy. Farce.
But it's becoming an inevitable force in life.
Like the tide tech won't be denied.
I hope it lifts all boats, research has to date indicated otherwise.
The computer is a prison from which it might offer a window to a wider world.


Welcome to Oxen Musings.


There isn't a lot here right now, however you can see some early collaborative blogging with my best friend Alvie at http://musingsofkildare.blogspot.com/ and enjoy the dungeons and dragons campaign I referee at http://campaignsofchandler.blogspot.com/ as recorded by the players.